Or...  "Yes, the cobalt-titanium Scubatron Deluxe 1,200-meter chronometer for $600 seems nice, but I think I'll buy the $29 Timex instead.  I know it's only tested to 100 meters."  (Gosh, with the Timex, you'll have to limit your dives to 320 feet. What a sacrifice).  Which brings me to my next point...

3.   Yuppie Nomenclature.  It's not a wrist-mounted, submersible chronometric instrument, goddamnit, it' a dive watch!  They're not diver propulsion devices, they're fins!   What's the difference? You shell out $60 to $80 for fins, whereas you float a loan to buy the latest in 

neon-accented diver propulsion devices.  And since I brought up the subject, here's one more thing that chaps my hide...

4.   Gucci Divers.  "You're going into the water wearing that!"  Huh?  "Your mask is blue!"  And your point is...?  "But your fins are teal!"   My God, what a fashion risk I've been taking!  Hope nobody noticed --I could have just died from embarassment!  OK, I realize that scuba diving is no longer the testosterone-enriched world of  Mike Nelson wannabes. Everbody is making a fashion statement these days, guys and gals.  Basic black is a fashion risk these days. But let's get real.  Too many of today's divers don't use scuba equipment --they sport the latest divewear.  "Honey, do these Jordache fins look good on me?"  "Sweetie, do you think this decompression meter clashes with my depth gauge?"

So what's the matter with looking good underwater?  Nothing at all, other than the fact that designer diving is making the sport very expensive these days.  My gripe stems from the growing trend in the industry to promote shopping skills, not diving skills. Worse yet, there seems to be a similar tendancy to substitute the latest techno-gizmo for ability.  Perhaps if some divers spent less time on coordinating their dive ensemble, and more time on perfecting basic dive skills,  I could get in an occasional dive in that doesn't  involve getting kicked in the mask (correction, optical interface viewing device) by a Cosmodiver trying to decipher his or her digital dive computer.  Which segues nicely into...

4.   Techno Diving.  This is one of the things that really chaps my hide.  I'm not opposed to technology, so I'll spare you the obligatory  "Back in the old days, we used to strap on a truck battery for a weightbelt" story.  I am, however, opposed the practice of substituting skill or common sense for technology.  I think this is the most alarming trend in scuba today.  As a past dive instructor, I've been in dozens of emergency situations. And 

never once --never once-- did a single person ever respond to an "out-of-air" signal properly.  Too often I've seen divers laden with spare airs, octopuses and other rescue devices who would be my last choice in an emergency situation.   Experience has taught me that basic competence outweighs technology in a tight situation every time.  Here comes the "true story" part...

In Roatan I met a group of divers who came down from the Midwest with their dive instructor to complete their open-water requirement.  The open water went fine and they were anxious to go diving on the boat the next day:  a tropical reef  beats a rock quarry any day. Unfortunately they were all sporting the latest in dive technology:  the decompression meter (new at the time).  Regrettably, this brand was prone to leaking.   After their open water dive, most of the deco meters weren't working.  Since I was their dive master, and we had dived as a group,  I knew exactly what their dive profiles were.  But did they make a second dive that day?  No.  Why?  Because not a single member of the group could read a decompression table.  Not even the instructor.

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